Archie Money: How the Gang Does Money

Let’s play a game where the Archie characters have grown up. What are their finances like? Let’s have a look at the world through an Archie Money lens.

This scenario is biased for the following reasons: I don’t like Betty or Archie. I think that a girl who spends her entire teenage years obsessing over a boy who is 100% not into her is a horrible role model for young girls. Archie, with his broken down car, lousy job history etc., is a bad role model for girls as well. THIS is the dream boy, the hero? The guy who can’t afford a car but has one anyways, who asks Betty to pay for dates so that he can use his pocket money on Veronica? The other day I went on an anti-Betty tirade to my roommates and then realized that her and Archie deserve each other because they are both pathetic and I hate them.

Now onto the Archie Money!

Archie Money Moose Midge









Moose & Midge Money:

Moose becomes the typical dumb-jock-at-best-football-college-in-America. He graduates with a degree in philosophy (he always did have a unique way of thinking) and marries Midge who is, by this point, a struggling model in New York. She quits modelling once married and the two settle into a happy family life. Moose plays in the NFL and the two are super rich. Obviously — Moose is awesome. If he wasn’t so dumb he would be my favourite character ever. Definitely the cutest of all the Archie characters. Go Moose!

Archie Money Dilton









Dilton Money:

Dilton is married to science. He spends his days at his lab where he collects patent after patent for amazing drugs that cure cancer and AIDS. Eventually he is a millionaire many times over but doesn’t realize because he’s too damn busy inventing. I used to like Dilton a lot when I was a kid (quasi-popular nerd? Hello!) but now I’ve dated too many of him to like him.

Archie Money Jughead









Jughead Money:

After the traumatic experiences that he had with Ethyl in his youth, he can never fully feel comfortable around girls. As a result, Jughead, like Dilton, never marries. At 25, his metabolism catches up to him and he decides to get serious about his health. He quits binge eating and decides to use his knowledge and love of hamburgers to open a specialty hamburger shop which he then franchises out and becomes wealthy beyond his dreams. Ethyl continues to stalk him but he’s too rich to deal with that so he disposes of her. Discreetly.

Archie Money Reggie








Reggie Money:

Reggie goes to Harvard and the London School of Economics and becomes a Very Important Person in the Hong Kong banking world. Unable to become the womanizer that he so desperately wishes to be, he finally accepts that he loves Betty and asks her to marry him. She accepts but the relationship ultimately ends in divorce when Reggie realizes that she is, and forever will be, in love with Archie. After the divorce, Reggie runs for the Senate and wins!

Archie Money Betty









Betty Money:

Betty becomes a teacher until her marriage to Reggie. In Hong Kong, she revels at all the fascinating things with a child-like wonder that only Betty could muster. After her divorce from Reggie, she returns to Riverdale to find Archie. She confesses her love to him (and he’s all like, duh Betty) but the two are not married because that would end her alimony support from Reggie. Betty and Archie have many children but Betty always waives parental rights, again, to avoid ending her alimony support and so that Archie can claim the maximum welfare benefits from the state. Betty and Archie do not officially live together in order to continue their alimony/welfare scam. Betty returns to being a teacher.

Archie Money








Archie Money:

Archie finishes high school and drifts aimlessly for awhile. Having never developed a work ethic, he moves from job to job, easily bored and distracted. After a few years of drifting, he realizes that he is “better off” on welfare and goes that route. Jughead tries to get him back on the working track and even offers him a partnership in his specialty hamburger shop. Archie laughs in his face and tells him that Jughead will never be successful because he eats too many hamburgers! Jughead tells Archie that they aren’t in high school anymore and that playful banter like that hurts his feelings. Archie continues to laugh and Jughead decides that they can’t be friends anymore. When Betty returns to town and wants to rekindle her “relationship” with Archie, Archie sees it as a perfect opportunity — Betty, who always gave gave gave in the past, is now as rich as Veronica due to her generous divorce settlement and Archie can take advantage of her like he did in high school. Betty, blinded in “love” agrees and the two move into a trailer — although, unofficially, Archie still lives with his parents.

Archie Money Veronica









Veronica Money:

I bet you all thought that Veronica would end up with Reggie. I thought about that but ultimately decided that no, Veronica is too good for Reggie. Veronica goes to Harvard with Reggie and, while they’re friends at the beginning, she eventually, meets people of her own background and interests and ditches Reggie. Veronica and her new friends live a pampered life but she always puts her education first (her father would kill her otherwise!). After Harvard, Veronica goes to Wharton and eventually takes over Lodge Enterprises. She marries a Senator and who eventually becomes the President. Veronica’s biggest upset about life is that she can’t have an active portfolio while being the First Lady.

Archie Money images: Moose, Dilton, Jughead, Reggie, Betty, Archie, Veronica

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