Part of the reason that I wanted to move away from Montreal is because I am constantly surrounded by negative, unsupportive and judging people. I’ve accepted this for the most part and having been dealing with it for quite some time:
- When I applied to college after high school I was asked “why the fuck did you do that and who the hell do you think is going to pay for this?”
- When I had to leave the University of Ottawa because of finances, I was called a college drop-out.
- When I was studying to be a paralegal, I was told that I should transfer to the shorter program and become a legal secretary
- Each time I start a new relationship I’m asked “how long will this one last?” as if 3 boyfriends in 9 years is excessive or something
- I am constantly asked when I’m getting married and why I don’t “settle for someone” already
- I am constantly asked how I can afford to take trips as often as I do
The point of all of this is that I do not have the support base that most of my friends do. Right now I have one friend who’s given up everything to follow her dream of becoming a chef. I have two friends who just bought condos, I have a friend who’s selling everything to move to Brazil; another, back to Australia.
Obviously, my jealous side rears its ugly head when I speak to these friends. However, I have to remind myself, time and time again, that it’s different for them. I have been on my own since 17. I can’t ask my parents to buy me a car, or cover my rent payment, nor can I “hope” to receive inheritance from any family member one day. If I fuck up my finances, that’s it — unemployment, a dirty apartment or having to crash on a friend’s couch (an infeasible possibility in the long-term)
Two things stand out from my point of view:
- My friends have no idea how lucky they are. They speak of being afraid of having a large mortgage or ask me if I understand how scary it is to do a 180 career-wise but their choice are “risky” only in that they might fail and end up a few rungs lower on the ladder than they otherwise would have been without having taken the risk. They have a safety net that stops them from falling all the way to the bottom of the ladder and splatting on the ground
- People who don’t necessarily know my situation are quick to judge my conservativeness. Sure, I’ll just move to NYC and be an illegal migrant; I can take an unpaid internship at a magazine. Someone else can pay the bills. What? Yeah, I’ll just buy a house. Sure. /sarcasm
Obviously I have no solution to this, nor do I have any real problem with the hand that I was dealt. I’m just a bit down lately with the news of my second friend’s condo.
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@vanessasmoney I relate this it makes me sad
I was on my own too as well since 17 and am always struggling when I see others flourish
@vanessasmoney its depressing.
Unfortunately, it’s not going to get “better” from here. What I mean is that more people you know or work with, especially if they are even the tiniest bit older, will have more financial “success” to various degrees, whether earned or through privilege. I consider myself lucky, I received some pocket money in University but paid for m schooling through OSAP loans and positive emotional support from my parents. If anything I worry about supporting THEM when they are older, as they both were laid off from permanent employment in the early days of the recession and never got even halfway back up the ladder (and divorces, etc). I see friends in varying levels of privilege and earned success and it’s frustrating and I get jealous but I try to keep an even keel. It’s hard, but don’t judge yourself against the achievements of others, it is a non-stop battle because unless you are Bill Gates or the Waltons or something, it never goes away.
Danielle recently posted..Automatic bill payments and being TOO financial organized
Yes, it becomes easy to forget that stop gap of parental support. A co-worker was down to his last $25 before landing this job (his first real-world job). Even though he was living at home at the time, it was not an option to get $100 from his Mom. My Mom was also 100% on her own when she left.
All the small things we (I) take for granted, eh?
I’d say you’ve done extremely well, despite all of this. Many people who did have financial support from their parents are still much worse off in terms of educational accomplishments, travel AND finances than you are
Anne @ Unique Gifter recently posted..eBay Savings Tips
@vanessasmoney it makes us work harder for what we want in life and we can therefore value our things unlike lucky (spoiled) people.
@vanessasmoney its really hard with things like this and my bf we come from different back grounds. His being wealthier and over all simpler
The majority of people not only begrudge succcess, but try to sabotage it. I try to surround myself with smart people who are building wealth. When I hear about somebody making a lot of money, I really don’t feel jealous because I’m busy creating my own empire. I want to know them better, because success begets success. One person thriving doesn’t happen at the cost of another person excelling; but most people are zero-sum thinkers. Hence the exceptional hatred of “The 1%” that has been going on lately.
Joe recently posted..Customer Service Fights: Why I Start by Picking Up the Phone
No worries Ms. Pagé (´・ω・)つ I was called a drop-out too because I never finished university. I don’t have a college degree today, but I’m glad a lot of my friends do because they’ve shown me that it’s possible for everyone to make their own paths and become successful in different ways. I may not have much today, but at least I can say I earned everything I do have. This gives me confidence which is a stronger feeling than any external support from friends can ever match. Envy is just a symptom of insecurity. A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything （＾ｖ＾）One of my co-workers just bought a condo too. But since he got his down payment from his parents, I know he probably won’t appreciate it as much as if he had to save his own money like us. The less we have now the more potential there is to be successful later (=^_^=) I’m sure when you become a millionaire some day you’ll have the wisdom and integrity to truly appreciate it’s worth whereas someone else who might have gotten a large inheritance may not even know what to do with it.
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I am frustrated on your behalf. Like, you, I’ve been on my own since 17 and am proud of what I’ve achieved but can’t help but envy those who’ve had it easier.
eemusings recently posted..The dangers of recommending a friend for a job
You are farther ahead than I was when I graduated. With such an attitude you have no choice but to work and make it happen. No cushy fall back situation for you. Use it to your advantage.
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Those who have had help sometimes don’t realize how lucky they are. And it bites. But just think, when you achieve all your dreams how much sweeter it will be because you did it all by your self.
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More often than not, the people who become extremely successful are the ones who have to work their asses off because they know that they HAVE to succeed, not the ones who have life handed to them. Drown out the noise, get your nose to the grind stone, and you’ll be just fine. Besides, I’m already envious of your travels
Oh yeah, and you need some new friends. Life has been so much better since I gave the negative ninnies in my life the heave ho.
Cassie recently posted..So Far So Good
Vanessa,
As someone who has lived without parental support since 18 and for more than 20 years, I promise you it will get better. Sure you may see some of your friends doing things now that you envy now. But the one thing that this type of independence will give you that your friends won’t ever understand is buckets of self motivation and personal drive. Your blog is great evidence of your personal drive and motivation. Yes, I still mourn not having parents like my friends, but I have also found myself over time more successful and happy than them. Because my decisions have to be more prescriptive and precise I have consistently made better decisions that have put me ahead. Because I can’t take relationships for granted, I invest and really work at them. Given this success, I now find myself in a position to put my financial independence plan into overdrive. And now that I have children of my own, I am happy to report that they will have committed, loving parents – something I did not get. Providing a different life for my children reinforces my decision to go it alone while allowing me to heal some of the hurt by doing it different. I’m not saying you won’t still feel sad sometimes, but I promise you that it gets better.